At times we complicate things and misread the entire process of what love is supposed to be and serve.

  • Love is measurable through an array of actions over a period of time – You can tell when someone is instantly attracted to you. But you cannot tell if someone truly loves you in a day. People have different intentions which could as Steve Harvey puts it, “either to play or plan with you”. Therefore to be able to establish the real intentions hidden behind a supposedly or genuine love; time and treatment are some of the essential factors that would make a determination. The answer is simple and yet difficult to contemplate and digest as it is based on actions which usually speak volumes and yet we are deaf to. These actions may be small and consistently repeated over a long period of time culminating into something that fundamentally indicates one’s language of love. This language of love is not only restricted to a specific partner but further expands to and includes a friend or someone who hardly declared their love but shows it through the kind of treatment they direct towards you. For instance, knowing that your concerns, voice and thoughts matter, that someone wants to know how your everyday is (good or bad), someone listens to you and is always available or rather makes time for you because you matter at all times. And this is done consistently and not only when it suits one’s skewed selfish intentions. These actions that I am referring to include keeping promises, honesty, commitment, compromises, kindness, respect (regardless of how hurt one may be), empathy and prioritizing for someone other than self. Love and desire are often confused to be one. Just because you’ve been in a relationship with someone for years, that does not necessarily mean your partner truly loves you. It could merely be a desire that is distinctively continuous even though you get to be told everyday that you’re loved. There fact that you are going out, dating, cohabiting, have kids together or living together does not automatically translate into love regardless of how long you may have known each other and been together. When someone truly love you naturally become a priority in their lives. Your problems becomes theirs. You need not to be told that you are loved. You will just know. It is natural. Sometimes this type of love is found in someone or a place you never expected. In someone who is totally the opposite package of what you had envisioned. “Opposite package” in a way that you connect at a level you do not expect to actually connect with another individual at as it is scary. Because if the same person were to hurt you then pain will be too much to bear. Love should be measured. Being with someone for a long time does not meant love. However, it is “time” that shall reveal how your partner loves you or not. One thing that is inexcusably not love is abuse of any form. It matters not as nothing could ever justify it. But the surfacing of abuse owe its existence to time and one’s background or childhood and accelerated patriarchy. How a partner treats you after years such as controlling your movements, cheating, breaking you emotionally or physically, leaving you after retrenchment or pregnancy and not taking responsibility for the life they helped create. It’s wrong and also an absolute indication of absence of love and other interpersonal issues one may be faced with. It is said that “love is the absence of judgement and it is also a process that gives and not the process that receives as it  should be two dimensional. In most relationships this is hardly ever the case – I guess it’s different strokes for different folks. However it is only with time that this gets to be revealed and the falsified or supposedly true love that many easily prophesy on one day of meeting and a year of knowing each other undoubtedly explodes in revealing that one was never committed, prepared nor intended whatsoever to be chained to a particular relationship all along. Love should not hurt. Nobody is perfect but no one either should put up with being intentionally and recklessly hurt by their partners. A person can manage to lie about how they truly feel upon meeting but gradually it is only after a long time of being together that one could no longer keep up with their lies for one would have successfully achieved their intended goal. Therefore, the investment would no longer be of worth as interests one would have gained and eventually lost over time. The bottom line is there is nobody who would continue to invest in what s(he) has lost interest in. Red flags are always detectable in certain incidents but yet not taking into serious consideration. No amount of love could change a partner for the better until the partner decides on their own accord to finally change. Don’t set up yourself for misery. I repeat actions speaks volume; take time out and analyze people within your inner circle such as parents, friends and a partner among a long list of people you have. Look at how they (their actions and impacts) make you feel, how they communicate (hear, listen and respond to you or) with you, what value they actually add into your life and how they specifically respond to your individual failures and successes. Pay attention. It is in people’s actions as well as reactions that love (and how a person truly feels about you) is clearly visible.
  • Love is transparent – This means it should be made easier by people who have a connection with one another to naturally know where they are with each other as far as their ecosystem of emotions are concerned. Connection between two people comes in different forms. These forms need to be briefly highlighted and discussed and ensure all parties are on the same page. As to avoid any misunderstanding and formation of different unnecessary expectations. Not all people are mind-readers. It is prerequisite to know each other expectations and whether they shall be fulfilled and where they cannot then reach a compromise and where a compromise is not an option come up with a new solution. However, if a solution is not of satisfaction to both parties then obviously going separate ways after committed several attempts would not be such a bad idea. Love does not intent to waste or delay time, individual needs and progress of one party over the other. It is rather honest at whatever cost even when that cost possibly means destroying that which is preciously in existence and eliminating all various benefits one enjoys. It’s simply and purely honest and gives nobody or the other party false or wrong hopes. When love is no more or the depth of it immensely differ it reveals it through an open discussion with the other party involved. It does not wait for the other party to initiate the conversation. Love is honesty – whatever the price. Being honest means being hurt truth and that requires of one to be confident, firm, decisive, bold, reliable, accountable and not passive.
  • Love moves on – It does not chain one to still live the past in the present. It provides one with a platform to learn from their mistakes and avoid them. To also be a good judge of character and interrogate, analyze and scrutinize everything that people who claim to love you and also draws comparison of what they say and do. But most importantly this point is hugely centered around not allowing the past to have a massive negative influence on the present. It is more of letting go, accepting the past for what is was and literally starting afresh on a clean slate. Knowing that as long as the sun rises, a chance you have to create another new footprint of love. Forget the past lovers and accept the roles they had played in shaping the individuals we have turned out to be. What they may have wrongly done should not affect us from creating new chapters and developing new intimate connections and looking forward to what blessing of positive changes they shall rain in our lives. And create new emotional, physical, spiritual and financial connections with the new love in all its formation. It provides people with the new chance of re-writing the past mistakes in new chapters of life. Moving on, also entails finding inner peace and not sweeping unresolved issues from previous relationships under the bed with the intention of miraculously forgetting that which transpired. As issues from previous relationships should be accordingly dealt with as to not prevent and slow down the progress of a new relationship. It gives new connections a chance with the main hope of success without ever having to make continuous reference to the past. It’s not always easy especially if they are lot of things to remind one of the past.

It is not me

When will this line of thinking “it’s the world’s fault except mine” ever come to an end? Refusing responsibility when circumstances do not favor you it’s rather questionable and reveals more of an individual’s character than their intelligence and ability to get themselves out of problems.

If there is one thing I have learnt along the way is the mere fact that there is a need not to always be right and win every discussion that you partake in. Every discussion you have should never be based on a competition nor competing ideas neither.

At times taking full responsibilities of some of the mistakes you unintentionally and intentionally made does not mean you’re weak. It means you want to do right by everyone. It also shows your maturity level.

Love: A bumpy road

I loved him that is all I have ever done

Believed in him when he told me he loved me

Gave him the key to my heart and let him into my residence

Gave him everything there is to give in the name of love

I listened to him and gave him all my attention

I stuck and stood by him, like any woman madly in love

When the world, friends and his family turned against him

There I was on his side over that of others

Holding onto him tightly during thunderous seasons

For he was never at fault nor wrong in my eyes

He was perfect and everything; in him, I saw our future

He was the only man who mattered in my life

When with him, I felt heavenly and liberated

He knew exactly what to say to fill my heart with happiness

And have the strength to fight any difficulty

That may arise on my way

All the effort I had invested in our relationship,

Praying he will one day be the man I build my home with

Thinking one day he will be the father of my kids

It gradually turned out to be a strenuous and painful lie

I was so blind to notice numerous red flags

His controlling behavior like always deciding what I should dress

His constant unhappiness of my spending time with male colleagues

Doing what I daily get paid for and him wanting me to resign

Nothing seemed to calm him down

He blamed me for his mistakes with direct linkage to his broken childhood

In love, I were and managed to normalize what should not

Friends warned me and I defended him and even lied for him  

I believed everything he said about us

I convincingly felt like I was his one and only woman

But it was not to be as to him I was just another random woman

Another fool of a victim to abusively toy with and cheat on

Love is build upon emotions is always taken advantaged of

By broken people to make themselves feel better

Broken I may be but I am undefeated